Tintin Outed — Asterix & Obelix Consider Coming Out of the Closet!

That’s what gay British journalist Matthew Parris says. According to him, it’s pretty obvious that Belgian cartoonist Georges Remi (aka Herge) created his most famous character to be homosexual. Parris’ indisputable logic is hard to argue with — sort of like that guy who claimed Tamils invented crepes.

Check out his article, but these are the basic reasons:

Tintin never talks about his parents — how gay is that?

Herge suggests Tintin was a Boy Scout — obviously gay then.

Tintin first appeared in 1929 in a Roman Catholic paper — Catholics are obviously gay, no?

Tintin is a journalist and offers to send his editor “postcards, caviar and vodka” while on assignment in the USSR — very gay.

Tintin almost never files reports, so he must be an MI6 agent (though he’s Belgian, not British) — and as we know, all British spies are gay — look at James Bond — totally a fag.

Tintin shares a home with his male friend, Captain Haddock — so like Joey & Chandler, he’s gay.

All Tintin’s friends are male (as is his dog, Snowy) — in the ’20s and ’30s that was a sure sign of being gay.

Thomson & Thonpson have moustaches and are regularly in disguise — so gay, those two.

Rastapopulous, Tintin’s arch nemesis, is never shown with a woman on his arm — so like Marlon Brandon’s Don Corleone and Robert DeNiro’s Al Capone, he’s clearly gay.

Snowy’s attempts to go after lady-dogs are constantly foiled by the humans — obviously, except for Snowy, everyone’s gay.

Haddock hates Bianca Castafiore, one of the few female characters — homosexuals hate women, right?

Herge hated the opera — gay!!!!

General Alcazar’s wife Peggy is a hard-drinking, cigar-smoking bitch — obviously lesbian.

Tintin cries when his friend Chang is feared dead in Tintin in Tibet — and as we all know, sensitive men are just gay.

Tintin’s adventures span almost 25 years (1929-1983) but he never ages — so like Superman, and all other immortal heroes, he uses moisturiser — how much more gay than that can you get?

Now that I’ve been conclusively convinced by Mr Parris on Tintin’s gayness, it raises all sorts of new questions.

Are Asterix & Obelix a gay couple? — As Hugo Rifkind points out, Obelix did sleep over at Asterix’s place a lot. However, since they both had female interests — Panacea and Mrs Geriatrix — and Asterix actually father’s a child — Asterix & Son — they’re bisexual at best.

Is George in the Famous Five a lesbian? — she wore boy’s clothes and boy’s hair, had a boy’s name, and went around saying “I want to be a boy”, but in the 2008 TV series, the adult George is married to a mechanic named Ravi — so she isn’t a lesbian (or a racist) — and probably just had a confused adoloscence.

Is Aslan the Lion in the Narnia books a white supremacist? — Totally. Or at least, C.S. Lewis was. Throughout the Chronicles of Narnia Aslan’s avowed enemies are the Calormemes of Calormen, a country that is in the desert and full of people who wear turbans, baggy trousers and pointy shoes. They have arranged marriages, put the symbol of the crescent on their money, fight with scimitars and, in The Last Battle, are referred to as “darkies”. Let’s face it, they’re not from Norway, are they?

Then there’s Captain Jack Sparrow, and Batman & Robin, Maverick & Goose… OK, I’ll stop now.